In the spirit of all that is world-recordy and to celebrate the quadrennial gathering of many, many athletic men in very, very revealing lycra, here are some gold medal events that I can definitely get on board with in the aptly named XXX Olympiad.


Aside from the fact that the sport is literally dripping with semi-naked men with very impressive torsos, the lingo speaks for itself. So, after you’ve warmed up with a little backstroke, tell him to dive right in with the breaststroke, or just go freestyle. If you’re feeling particularly adventurous you could try a medley relay.


Cox. (Need I say more?)


Who’s gonna say no to a little light thrusting? And if you’re in the mood for a little teasing, tell him he only scores points when he touches you with just the tip.


While the mind boggles at the possibilities opened up by such upper-body strength and flexibility, it’s the apparatus that has me excited about this one. There’s a little something for everyone, be it the horizontal bar or the rings (if you’re into that sort of thing). And let’s just say I don’t mind being the pommel-horse every now and then.


Men of super-human strength who really know a good snatch? Where do I sign up?! The possibility of being lifted effortlessly like a human barbell has definitely got appeal. And while stamina is probably not his forte, he may be able to go a little longer if he performs a bit of a clean and jerk beforehand.


Oh, where to begin? Start with some endurance training to ensure it will be a marathon, not a sprint. Then take hold of the shaft of his javelin or one of his shot-puts or go straight in for the pole-vault, it’s really your call. And if you really want to spice things up, set up some obstacles and get him to steeplechase you around the room.

The Man-lympics. Enjoy… and remember to stretch!


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