Lets start with an obvious one. Magicians are creepy dudes. David Copperfield circa 1996 aside, anyone who devotes his life to illusion and mystique is not going to be beating off the ladies with a big stick. As much as I love me a man in a top hat and tails, I can do without the rabbits, doves and smoke effects. And while I do admire a man who can make something disappear, then reappear, then disappear, then reappear, I’d prefer that he didn’t preface this trick with a myriad of hand gestures to ‘The Final Countdown.’
While his intimate knowledge of clams and molluscs might indeed prove useful, I just don’t want a man who spends his day ankle-deep in fish guts getting balls-deep in mine. Then there’s the rubber apron and gumboots to contend with – it’s just not bed-worthy apparel. And I can’t help but feel that one day he’d be bringing home the tail end of a giant gummy shark for some kind of mermaid role-play.
I like to be steeple-chased as much as the next girl, but, just like the Scenic Railway at Luna Park, you must be at least this tall (let’s call it anywhere in the vicinity of typical adult height) to board this ride. There’s just no way I’m giving up the goods to one of nature’s little pranks in silk pyjamas. And while it’s true that he would have access to some pretty exciting hardware, I’d rather not have to provide a step-ladder in order for him to use it.
Elderly Care Nurse
This one might be a little unfair, but a dude who changes adult diapers all day and comes home smelling of old-man scalp and camphor is just not getting the business from me. Old people are awesome, but god dammit, they kind of smell like dying. And there’s always that slight chance that he loves his job a little too much, and I’m not at a place in my life where I’m willing to receive sponge-baths.
Do I even need to elaborate here? The make up. The wigs. The oversized shoes. The colour clashing. Oh god, the humanity! Ok, so I might be a little impressed if he fashioned a few blown-up condoms into a ferris-wheel, but there is just no way I’m letting Bobo put his honker anywhere near me. And as for the fake flower trick, any guy who makes a living out of squirting unsuspecting people in the face needs to have his motives questioned.
Computer-Systems-Something-Or-Other (I stopped listening after you said Computer)
I think my vagina just fell asleep. Seriously, are these guys actually allergic to the sun, social normality and human contact? It doesn’t matter how much RAM you’ve got in that hard drive buddy, at the end of the day you’ll be at home playing with your dongle…alone. Not to mention the possibility of a virus. Let’s just say you’re not getting your Intel inside.