We open on the sitting room of a three bedroom unit where five girls in their 20s are spending a Saturday night in. AMELIA, LUCILE and ZOE sit drinking and picking from a fruit platter on an elegant glass platter balanced on an upturned milk crate. From the adjoining room we hear CHERIE speaking loudly on the phone in a bad fake Chinese accent while her girlfriend JESS laughs hysterically.
ZOE: (Gesturing to the direction of the noise) What are they doing?
AMELIA: (Scrunches face in disgust and shrugs) Who knows.
LUCILE: The place looks great Mils, your stuff looks really good in here.
ZOE: Yeah, it does.
CHERIE: (From the other room) Herro? Herro? I wan’ faw meat-rovvers pizza. You deriver?
AMELIA: (Rolling her eyes) Fucking hell.
LUCILE: Shit, Mils. How do you survive here?
AMELIA: Eh… (Pours another glass of wine) Top up, anyone?
AMELIA and LUCILE are now noticeably drunk. CHERIE and JESS, also drunk, have joined the other girls in the sitting room, and all five are now playing a drinking game involving presenting a person with a question with two undesirable options and trying to predict their answer.
ZOE: (Reading from a card) Your turn Mils – would you rather: A, drink a bucket of semen – (scrunches face) – awwww, or B, lick one of your Grandma’s turds?
The group erupts into hysterics, looking around at each other’s predicted answers. AMELIA reveals her answer: B.
LUCILE: You would LICK your Grandma’s TURD?!! No way man, I’d drink the semen. That’s your GRANDMA’S POO!
AMELIA: Are you kidding? A whole bucket – that’s way worse! Ok, Luce’s turn.
ZOE: Ok, Luce – would you rather give oral sex to? Player One (gesturing at CHERIE) or Player Two (gesturing at JESS).
LUCILE: Uhhhhh…. (glances awkwardly from CHERIE to JESS)
Everyone looks a little awkward at the choice LUCILE faces. Both JESS and CHERIE look expectant, as though they will be offended if not picked.
JESS: Easy decision – I’ve tamed this beast! (Gestures to her crotch)
CHERIE: (Laughing) I’m the more natural approach!
JESS: I’ve got crabs…
By this stage everyone has predicted LUCILE’S answer. She reveals that she has chosen JESS.
JESS: So, Lucile, are you ready for your seafood dinner…
The room erupts once again into hysterical laughter.
JESS: …of crabs?!
AMELIA: Oh god! I’ve wet myself! I think a bit of wee came out!
LUCILE: Thanks for the most awkward question ever, Zoe!
CHERIE: (Looking slightly sulky) Yeah, it was a bit awkward.
JESS: (To CHERIE) Shit! Babe, what’s the time? We’ve gotta go spy- (stops and looks sheepishly at the rest of the group)
There is an awkward silence as CHERIE and JESS communicate with eye signals. The rest of the group waits expectantly for an explanation.
CHERIE: Ok…so what happened is, Jess parked her car on the nature strip in front of next door, and they put a note on her car saying “you can’t park here,” but in a really mean way, so I was like, “get stuffed buddy, you don’t own the nature strip.” And we decided to get them back, so we’ve ordered five large meatlover’s pizzas to be delivered next door, but I had to do it in an Asian accent, cos they’re Asian. So we want to be out the front when the pizzas turn up. Suck shit, they deserve it!
AMELIA, ZOE and LUCILE exchange looks of confusion, bewilderment and horror as JESS and CHERIE dash out the front door excitedly.
LUCILE: What. The. Fuck.
ZOE: I don’t get it, how does that even get them back? Doesn’t that just waste pizza?
AMELIA: (Sadly, emptying the remainder of a bottle of rose into an oversized wine glass and looking towards the neighbouring house) I want pizza…