Being newly single, there are many things which I have had to learn on the fly. For instance, guys do not typically like it when you fart in front of them, or tease them about the size of their penis. I have also had to adjust my usual beauty routine (just add soap) to include some much-needed lady gardening. I am, of course, referring to my pubic hair, but I prefer to talk of it in horticultural terms. It seems more delicate.

I mentioned the state of my front lawn to Zoe, my BFFL of 15 years. She mentioned that hers could also do with some serious weeding and a bit of mowing and suggested I book us in for back to back appointments so I would have some moral support. Apparently when a seriously overgrown yard is cultivated for the first time there can be some tears involved – and not just the kind Jamie Durie squeezes out for the camera on whatever stupid show he’s hosting this week.

My first error was made in the booking. Being a complete novice to this landscaping caper, I wasn’t sure which of the many available options I actually wanted, and there were so many businesses offering what seemed to be relatively comparable service. I settled on Jim’s Mowing – they seemed to offer good all-round service for an affordable price. However, when Zoe emerged from her appointment she muttered to me, “You’ve booked the wrong thing. You don’t want that!” Confused, I told my gardener that I had apparently mistakenly booked the wrong service, and she informed me that what I had asked for was a total ‘ground zero’ situation, in which all vegetation in the vicinity would be removed. I told her that while I had no attachment to the weeds that were growing wildly in my front yard, I was still keen on keeping the nature strip, as I felt the place would look a little bare without it.

It was remarkably quick. And while it was a bit painful, I felt like this was a good way to reinvent my little patch of real estate, giving it much more ‘street-appeal.’ I eagerly inspected the finished job. And my heart leapt into my mouth. There, where my lush and overgrown front yard used to stand, was nothing but a nature strip, which was fine… except that it was crooked, giving my whole block of land a slanted and misshapen appearance. And that it wasn’t really even a nature strip, more of a planter box – not even big enough to park the bins on. Awkwardly, I made my way to the payment desk and informed the gardener of her error. Upon consultation, it seemed that there was only one solution. Ground Zero.

When I later inspected the job in greater detail I noticed another problem. In addition to the unsightly bumps that had appeared in the exposed soil in my front yard, which I had been told should disappear within 48 hours, there was an even bigger issue at hand. The bareness of my front garden, while certainly tidy, had made the weeds out the back seem very obvious indeed. There was nothing for it – I needed to see a landscaper.

Determined not to repeat my earlier experience, I forked out the extra money for a top landscaping company rather than the Jim’s Mowing variety that I had previously used. I explained my predicament to the landscape architect who agreed that the ‘ground zero’ situation in the front garden called for the same in the back yard to present my block of land in the most appealing way possible. She also commented on the shoddy job that Jim’s Mowing had done in the front and tidied up a few patches of couch grass that had been missed.

I was very impressed with my new landscaper’s attention to detail and left feeling better about the whole thing, and I must say that the place has never looked so tidy. It certainly has made things much easier for entertaining – no mowing required.

I will say, though, that the weeds are already sprouting at an alarming rate. Well, I won’t be calling Jim, that’s for sure.


One thought on “Gardening

  1. Qwal Ayeers

    That was a very funny and clever piece of writing. Nice. Another analogy that comes to mind with this enterprise: wearing knickers when no trimming has taken place for a long long time: koala ears.

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