I hate PDA (Public Displays of Affection). It makes me cringe. I hate when people sit on, stroke, nuzzle, smooch, grind up against and tickle each other in front of other people. To me it is the ultimate in selfish coupledom behaviour. It says to the world, “I love my partner so much that even the laws of common decency and respect must bow to the power of our lust. You, over there, watch me love my partner. WATCH ME!”
My lesbian housemates do not agree. They love PDA. They play-fight, tickle, kiss, caress, cuddle and rub up against each other like two Spider Monkeys in spring on a regular basis. They giggle, burble and suck face audibly with the bedroom door open. I suppose some people might respond to this by saying, “Oh, that’s sweet. They obviously care for each other a great deal and feel the need to show each other in a tactile way.” My response is a little more along the lines of: “Oh, that’s filthy. They obviously don’t even care that I’m in the room and probably fondle each other under a blanket on the couch while I’m in the kitchen making dinner.”
Some of you are probably thinking that my aversion to PDA is underpinned by bitterness or jealousy at other people’s happiness. This is not the case. In every relationship I have been in, I have refused to commit PDA. Don’t get me wrong – behind closed doors anything goes. I’m not some affection nazi who only will only have sex through a sterilized sheet with a hole cut in it. I just resolutely believe that a couple’s business should be conducted in private.
Here’s the issue. I currently face two choices – either speak up against the dry-humping that occurs on my couch while I focus intently on the TV screen, trying to watch “Four Weddings,” or work on suppressing my gag-reflex and say nothing. Although I can think of other situations in which a restrained gag-reflex would be very useful indeed (um, like sword swallowing, or, er…hotdog eating contests?) I know what has to be done. The only real question is which approach to take.
Should I be super polite? Excuse me, I was wondering if you would mind wrestling each other’s tongues from your mouths in your own room with the door shut. Thank you ever so much. Or just play it cool? Yo, girls, maybe take it to the bedroom? Would it be less awkward if I made a joke? Come on you guys, there are ladies present! Or should I tell them that I had a near-death experience in which I was nearly smothered by an obese couple making out at a party who sank down into the bean bag I was already sitting in and ever since have had a paralysing fear of people kissing, touching or otherwise showing affection in public?
It’s a tricky one. I’ve decided to go with my gut. And by that, I mean wait until the next time they start pashing in front of me and let my pile of upheaved carrot stew, chamomile tea and stomach bile do the talking for me.